The bitter ex-nutritionist

Before my unfortunate encounter with cancer, I was an avid health nut. A total hippie granola-head. I had been a vegetarian for the better part of a decade and ran 20 miles a week, mostly for health reasons. My body was super healthy and I had the beginnings of a six-pack. I would routinely offer unsolicited health advice on diet and exercise to anyone who would listen. Basically, "eat lots of oatmeal and drink lots of green tea." This would solve diabetes, obesity, depression, cancer, and eventually provide world peace if adopted on a larger scale. To me, the discipline of exercise and the spiritual practice of vegetarianism was the answer to all problems. I had even seriously contemplated a career as a nutritionist at one point, because I thought that I could be an example of health and well-being. I had really wanted to become a nutritionist in order to advocate for vegetarianism for health reasons. Obviously, the whole "health reasons" thing didn't work out so well for me.

It was entirely *"inconceivable!"* to me that I would end up in an oncologist's office with a diagnosis of bone cancer. I think that the doctor was surprised at how well I took the whole thing. I didn't cry. Honestly, one of the first thoughts that ran through my head when I was diagnosed was not, "Oh no, I'm going to die!" but "Rats! My healthy living example is totally ruined now. Nobody is going to want unsolicited health advice from me anymore."

In the weeks following my diagnosis, I became a bitter ex-nutritionist. People would stare at me in shock as the former gym rat chain-smoked seven cigarettes in one hour. If anyone dared to say anything, I would just shrug my shoulders and say something like, "Well, I'm probably going to die anyway so I might as well enjoy myself," or "I just suffered through a three-day session of chemotherapy which is literally intravenous mustard gas. Compared to that, these are like vitamins." These are great ways to cut the conversation awkwardly short. You really can't argue with it. When people think you're going to die, they are afraid to say anything to upset you. However, my fiance suggested that I might give myself lung cancer while I had bone cancer, and then I'd really be in trouble. I have no scientific argument against this, except to say that I think there is some kind of rule about somebody not getting two cancers at one time. If there isn't, then there should be.

Anyway, I eventually came to my senses and abandoned the stress-induced chain smoking (bad Jennifer!). But my previous dietary restrictions have become quite relaxed. If somebody wants to have a steak, go have a steak. You want to eat a piece of apple pie? Have at it! And I don't run 20 miles anymore, because that would entail a dressing change on my line complete with sterile procedure and a headache (if you don't know what I am talking about, be glad that you don't). And I don't want to be a nutritionist anymore. If I were to enter this profession, I think that either everyone or no one would want to see me. Just read the following scenarios to see what I mean:

To someone struggling with their weight: "Dangerous stimulant diet pills are great way to lose weight! Just take buckets of diet pills and then eat an entire chocolate cake in one sitting! Who says that you can't have your cake and eat it, too? Oh, those heart palpitations are no big deal..."

To the diabetic: "Oh yeah, go ahead and invest in a large warehouse-size box of candy bars. That's a much more enjoyable way to control your blood sugar than those stupid shots! And hey, you know if it doesn't work out for you, you were probably going to die anyway..."

To someone who drinks too many caffeinated drinks: "Oh, you don't have to stop drinking nine cups of coffee a day in order to control your jittery nervousness! Just go out and get yourself a six pack and sit in front of the TV every night. That will calm you right down! You might want to consider smoking too; it's a very effective method for dealing with stress."

To someone with cancer: "Since you're trying to gain weight, I would discourage you from eating vegetables or fruit. No. Buy several cartons of your favorite ice cream and eat them all day, all the time - breakfast, lunch, and dinner." Oh wait, I actually was told this. Due to severe mucositis (don't ask), I subsisted on ice cream for about six weeks. You would think that eating ice cream nonstop would be totally awesome, but it's not. This does very unfortunate things to the human digestive system, which I will not even go into here...

And so, I have most decidedly decided to not be a nutritionist. I will let other more annoyingly pious health-nuts than me enter this noble profession in the service of humanity. Writing this article has stressed me out, so I am going to go eat an entire box of Little Debbies now...

* Because of the movie "The Princess Bride," I am not capable of writing the word "inconceivable!" without quotation marks and an exclamation point.

On a totally unrelated note, I was querying on Youtube for the music videos of one of my favorite bands, Le Tigre. Apparently they don't have any, but many fans make their own and post them on there. This one made me smile: